Shake it out (gLee)

The sadness of the last post is pretty much gone.
We chose not to think about it until we really need to.
So everything is gone back to “normal”…although (in my head) one of my demons has returned.

I’ve been thinking about my ex A LOT lately.
But I don’t think I miss you, just the thought/action of being together with someone. Being able to go somewhere only love seems to prevail. A place where all my most beautiful memories are.
Silly childish fantasies who will probably never became a reality.

Motivated by http://explorationofhappiness.wordpress.com/2012/07/20/being-honest-with-yourself/ and beautiful J.’s reblog of it (http://untilyouresafeandsound.wordpress.com/), I’ve decided to be honest and confess some embarrassing things.

It’s true. I too have been waiting for the moment my ex would come around and apologize. Saying you were full of regret, you’d love me forever.
Of course that makes me a total retard because if I have to describe you, words like ‘stubborn’, ‘proud’ and ‘definitive’ come to mind.
But those were flaws I was willing to live with.

However, truth be told, I’m aware that it’s better if we don’t get back together ever again. The thought hurts me. It makes me feel the edges of the hole you left in my chest.
Sending messages through other friends, checking fb every single day to see if I’m allowed back into your life, feeding on the little insights I get from your brother and sister (who clearly want to stay in touch with me) and only falling deeper because every picture they post is a could-be memory.
You always complained about how bad everybody else is, turns out I was in love with the most rotten apple of them all.
Via via I came to know you don’t even ask how I’m doing. After 5 months of being in a relationship with me you were able to amputate me completely. That makes everything feel so fake.

I’m not a toy. If you want me, you must be playing for keeps…
And mystery-dancer doesn’t seem to be any better. Even though you keep endearing me with how you interact with children, you destroy it by treating me like I’m a booty-call. Entertainment whenever you’re bored. Only texting when you feel like it.

I want to shake them both off, never look back at those painful and sad moments. But I’m scared to be damned to eternal solitude if I do.
What does everything mean? Does all of this happen for a reason? Are they trying to tell me something? Should I be learning anything?
I just can’t stop feeling third-hand and second-best!

I wish they’d all be torn apart because they decided to erase me (partially) from their lives… but I’m the one who stays behind with all the regrets. Feeling like it must be something about me that stops interesting them or makes them turn their backs on me.

I hope that one day I’ll be as strong as Cassandra Mortmain, filling this blog with words with just one syllable:

I love

I have loved

I will love

~ by Erasmus in sleutelstad on July 21, 2012.