Wanted you more (Lady Antebellum)

•September 2, 2012 • Leave a Comment

A month without ex and I’m actually proud of myself!
I haven’t had, nor craved, contact for 32 days.
And this is only the beginning. I won’t need it ever again…

During that past month I’ve occasionally talked with a college-buddy who was frank about how he felt towards my reaction(s) to the breakup.
Some of his arguments seemed legit and true, others I found ill-founded because of our different opinions on life & love, and some were just plane insulting.
But about one thing he was absolutely right: We are/I am still too young to be this sad.

A few days ago I even saw part of my ex’s family in town. It didn’t do anything to me.
I’m happy it finally is completely “over”. I don’t even want to understand it anymore.
I’m satisfied with the idea that in the end I wanted you more. And now I don’t even need you (or your poison) anymore…

A few weeks ago I even deleted mystery-dancer from facebook.
I was so nice to send a happy birthday-text, but all I got back was some lame smiley and an other month of being ignored.
I wouldn’t be surprised if nobody ever noticed I was gone. Only proof that I was just 1 of the 1524 “friends” and a pastime.
A really unfortunate development… but if I’m completely honest I was more attracted to and interested in the physical then anything else.

And so this blog fulfilled its destiny.
I’m not closing it down. It’s a part of my life I’ll be looking back on every once in a while.
Maybe I’ll even start adding posts again when I’m getting emotionally unstable once more.

I won’t stop blogging though!
I’ve started another blog where you’ll get to see the “whole” me. I’ll be filling it with thoughts, questions, debates, etc. I have in my head.
I’ll try to make something fun and/or interesting out of it for every possible reader.
When you feel like it, look me up at http://riddlesofthesphinx.wordpress.com/

Take care everybody, I hope the see/hear/read you all back someday.
An overwhelming THANK YOU to everybody who took the effort to visit or comment on this blog these past months!
If I could, I’d hug each and every one of you.

So I bid you all farewell…
But I really can’t stay…
My happy days are here again!

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Cough syrup (Young the Giant)

•July 31, 2012 • 5 Comments

I had planned to write about now strange my day has been.
Good (because it was my last day of work and my holidays can finally start) and weird (because I’m happy I saw my ex’s true colors but felt kinda sad to saying goodbye to all my/our memories).
But that was until I read an e-mail on fb…

The mail was in response to my message to my ex’s siblings (see/read: Cry).
It was written by their parents though.
They wrote they want to have no more connection(s) with me.
I’m totally fine with that. They weren’t accusing me of anything and told me they saw how difficult I was having it, but it weighed on the family.

Completely understandable! (Although they were doing as if it was their idea and I hadn’t send my message & deleted everyone about 23h earlier…)
And now I’m thinking if maybe I went too far?
I know I can exaggerate, it’s in my nature, drama is what I do. And I’m perfectly aware that I can be VERY pushy (which is only when I don’t get answers).
It’s just a choice that has to be made. Or I don’t do anything about it and torture myself by living in total ignorance OR I keep insisting people talk to me and explain stuff with the hope they’ll eventually spill the beans.
I choose for self-preservation then, let them feel I need to know.
But I didn’t harm anyone! Even though I can understand how I must have been “tearing the family apart” while being friendly with little bro and sis, and fighting with the remaining one.

I feel sorry for dragging them all into this.
I only want(ed) to make my point with one person in particular.
But it’s better if I stop. I’m tired, don’t want to get into trouble and it has already been proven that my ex isn’t even worth the bother.

This is the reason why I waited so long for my first real relationship. I knew I’d go crazy if it didn’t and well.
But I’m not really crazy…and I’m not a bad person! I’m just emotionally deficient, I guess.

I might be studying to become an archaeologist, but treasuring the past on an emotional level like this isn’t healthy anymore…
I’ll just do what the song says: take one more spoon of cough syrup, wait for it to come down and then move on to some other fortune.
Tomorrow will be the permanent start of my new life. Promise!

Cry (gLee)

•July 30, 2012 • 1 Comment

Having a day from hell.
It’s my own stupid fault, I had to call you…

Yeah, I called my ex.
I wanted to know some things about living/studying in the Netherlands. But of course I was hoping to see or hear you again.
I spoke a message on your voicemail.

About 4 hours later I got a text from our mutual friend asking me what I was doing.
I felt like a little kid who was being called to order.
And WHAT THE FUCK are you talking through her and not texting me yourself?!
So all of a sudden you don’t even want to have anything to do with me?! Where the effing hell does this come from?! What did I ever do to you?!
The only thing that can be held against me is that I was stupid enough to love you with all my heart!!!

I know you don’t want to get together again, I was there when you broke up with me, remember?!
But you never even gave me an explanation to why you didn’t love me anymore, left me behind in the dark/agony.

I was and still am very pissed off and disappointed.
But in a way I’m happy and relieved . I felt my heart harden. I think I’m finally immune to you.
There’s no way I’m gonna forgive you this.

You’re rude, unconsidered, ungrateful, stubborn, manipulative, etc.
You were even all those things when we were together, you even didn’t bother to break up with me at first.
Planned to just not speak to me for a week!?!
But I still chose to love you, because I saw the potential you had.

And now you blew it! BIG TIME
I’m done and washing my hands of you…

The only things I feel sorry for are your siblings. You made them collateral damage.
I send them a quick e-mail with an apology to why I’m deleting them from fb.
Their vacationpictures are just too confronting (see/read: Shake it out).

And now I don’t know what to do anymore.
We’re both just “moving on”? Never talking again for no defined reason?
Ugh, I’m just so sick of all these doubts and unresolved questions in my head!!!

Is it over now? Can I open my eyes?

Roots before branches (gLee)

•July 26, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Why does life has to get complicated before you realize that you’re not quite ready yet?

My bachelorpaper had to be ready yesterday… I didn’t make it.
I pulled an all-nighter and even that didn’t seem to suffice.
I’m practically certain that I’ll have finished it by next week! But one of the professors said that “too late is TOO LATE”. What a load of ****

Oh well, it’s not the end of the world I guess. It will just make things complicated for my foreign exchangeprogram and my inscription.
And still, I can’t help but feeling like I failed. Others could do it, why not I?
In my defense, I did have an exceptionally f*cked up year. I still managed to get very good grades for all of my exams & essays and my only re-examination should be pretty succesful as I’m practicing with the professor.
Kinda feels like being in highshool again…

Come to think of it, I can’t believe how far I am in my studies.
If I wanted to, I could’ve  stopped studying this year and find a job. But I totally don’t feel ready for that yet. I still need to figure out who I am and what I want to be.
Sure, I study and learn things all the time, so I know stuff. But I don’t know anything about being an archaeologist or a teacher.
In the beginning, 4 years of college seemed pretty much…now it feels not even remotely long enough!

To top it all off: my residence in the Netherlands isn’t sure yet/anymore.
The lady-friend stopped replying to my mails and I really think I should be signing a contract soon… *ennoyed face*

Aaanywho, I’ll end this post with some jollier news.
I’m going on a holiday! Jeeeeej!!!
Booked 2 plane-tickets to Nice (France). Very fancy, very posh. Lol…
But I really need the vacation, a chance to put  my head in the clouds and forget all my “pains” are real. A good snog would help normally, but I think we all know that’s not going to happen any time soon!

I know life can be hard, I already have roots…it’s the branches that are the trouble-makers, they still appear to be twigs.

Shake it out (gLee)

•July 21, 2012 • 1 Comment

The sadness of the last post is pretty much gone.
We chose not to think about it until we really need to.
So everything is gone back to “normal”…although (in my head) one of my demons has returned.

I’ve been thinking about my ex A LOT lately.
But I don’t think I miss you, just the thought/action of being together with someone. Being able to go somewhere only love seems to prevail. A place where all my most beautiful memories are.
Silly childish fantasies who will probably never became a reality.

Motivated by http://explorationofhappiness.wordpress.com/2012/07/20/being-honest-with-yourself/ and beautiful J.’s reblog of it (http://untilyouresafeandsound.wordpress.com/), I’ve decided to be honest and confess some embarrassing things.

It’s true. I too have been waiting for the moment my ex would come around and apologize. Saying you were full of regret, you’d love me forever.
Of course that makes me a total retard because if I have to describe you, words like ‘stubborn’, ‘proud’ and ‘definitive’ come to mind.
But those were flaws I was willing to live with.

However, truth be told, I’m aware that it’s better if we don’t get back together ever again. The thought hurts me. It makes me feel the edges of the hole you left in my chest.
Sending messages through other friends, checking fb every single day to see if I’m allowed back into your life, feeding on the little insights I get from your brother and sister (who clearly want to stay in touch with me) and only falling deeper because every picture they post is a could-be memory.
You always complained about how bad everybody else is, turns out I was in love with the most rotten apple of them all.
Via via I came to know you don’t even ask how I’m doing. After 5 months of being in a relationship with me you were able to amputate me completely. That makes everything feel so fake.

I’m not a toy. If you want me, you must be playing for keeps…
And mystery-dancer doesn’t seem to be any better. Even though you keep endearing me with how you interact with children, you destroy it by treating me like I’m a booty-call. Entertainment whenever you’re bored. Only texting when you feel like it.

I want to shake them both off, never look back at those painful and sad moments. But I’m scared to be damned to eternal solitude if I do.
What does everything mean? Does all of this happen for a reason? Are they trying to tell me something? Should I be learning anything?
I just can’t stop feeling third-hand and second-best!

I wish they’d all be torn apart because they decided to erase me (partially) from their lives… but I’m the one who stays behind with all the regrets. Feeling like it must be something about me that stops interesting them or makes them turn their backs on me.

I hope that one day I’ll be as strong as Cassandra Mortmain, filling this blog with words with just one syllable:

I love

I have loved

I will love

Fix you (Coldplay)

•July 17, 2012 • 6 Comments

I don’t know what to do.
I’m scared.
I want this to go away!

My mom has been very ill the past year.
She has had surgery a couple of times. But everything was getting better, so they said, so we thought.
Only some blood-tests left….

She has a deficiency in her blood. A rare mutation. It’s evil.
We don’t know what will evolve out of it, but within 20 years she’ll probably be suffering from a life-threatening illness.
My head started spinning when I heard words like ‘marrow transplant’ and ‘leukemia’.

Why the fuck is this happening?! My mom never gets sick!
And part of me is like “but there’s nothing definite yet!”, while the other part screams “you could lose her by next year!”

She cries a lot. I see her trying to fight it, but I know she’s getting depressed again.
I can’t blame her this time. Even I’m already feeling lost! I can’t imagine what I’d do if someone told me I could be dying or suffering from something dangerous.

When she told me and my little sis she cried her eyes out. She looked like a little girl saying to us “I don’t want to die…I want to live forever”
My sister doesn’t get it yet. She knows what these diseases are, but doesn’t understand what they implicate.
Unfortunately, I do and I had to cry myself to sleep. Secretly, because I feel I have to be strong for all of us.

I don’t know how to act. It would be stupid to act like her life’s already over while that crap in her body is still asleep, but at the same time feeling even a little bit happy about something is bittersweet.

I’m doing what I can do best: containing all my sadness and fear inside. But this is something too big to be kept hidden. I feel like I can break down any minute  for no reason.
I only want to talk about this to one person. Only want to be hugged and comforted by one individual.
By the one who ripped my heart out 5 months ago…my ex.

Can someone please make this go away? I want to fix her, but I can’t.
Please..?

Iris and Jasper (Hans Zimmer)

•July 12, 2012 • 2 Comments

It’s Tuesday evening. I’m panting a little bit because I’m really nervous and hurried myself to the great hall of the train station.
Apparently I’m the first one to arrive…good! So I position myself on the first floor, so I can keep an overview of who enters and might look like my date.
So I wait 10 minutes…and I wait 20 minutes…and I wait half an hour. I should’ve seen this coming.

I write a text, already knowing the answer to my question, but send it anyways.
Somehow I knew that happy feeling couldn’t last long…

You forgot to tell me you wouldn’t make it?!
I gave up an entire day + evening of work, just so I could be with you!
The funny part is that I dreamed you’d cancel, I even asked myself if I should call in to hear what the plan was.

Can someone please tell me how in the world you can forget you have a date? Especially when you‘re the one who finally asked me out.
I wasn’t mad and still ain’t, but I’m extremely disappointed.
Every cell of my body wanted this evening to be fun and special. Getting to know you.

I gave you plenty of alternatives, you rejected them all. Seems I’m the one doing all the sacrificing, as usual.
You never even apologized to me…or telephoned for that matter. I only got to read things like “I feel so guilty” and “I’ll make it up to you, promise!”
I’m all for second chances, but these are only words and somehow I’m scared this won’t be the last time. Some people should start to sort out their priorities.

And so I’m left behind. Thinking what a fool I am while eating a takeaway-meal all by myself and dozing off at 9pm…
Waiting by the phone, hoping that every text I receive is one of yours, hoping you’ll suggest or say something that will ease the “pain”.
Wishful thinking. I probably won’t hear from you in over a week again.

I keep on smiling, acting again, but inside I’m getting lonely once more…
I guess I’ll survive